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Favre unveils plan to erase Marino from human history

GREEN BAY, WI — During what is usually a very slow locker room media session on Wednesday afternoon, Green Bay QB Brett Favre made headlines by unveiling an elaborate – and clearly well-thought-out – plan to completely eradicate any evidence of the existence of Hall-of-Famer Dan Marino.

“Breaking all his records is really only Phase One,” Favre explained to a rapt group of media members. “I mean, I’ve already pretty much done that. I have the touchdowns. I have the yardage. I have a bunch of other records. But there is much, much more to it than that. For me, this is personal.”

Favre said his plan will begin with a journey into the broadcasting world.

“Once my playing career ends, I expect to supplant Dan in the CBS studio, and also on HBO. I mean, are you telling me that Bob Costas wouldn’t want to work with the current record holder rather than the old guy? Only one of us has a Super Bowl ring – and that person’s name does not start with Dan Marino.”

Beyond the analyst job, Favre is taking a multimedia approach to the dominance of Marino. “Well, I think I’ve already supplanted him in film, with my turn in There’s Something About Mary,” Favre said. “I mean, Ace Ventura was good, but Courteney Cox is no Cameron Diaz, if you can smell what the Rock is cookin’.”

Favre also informed reporters that he is in the process of placing backorders on all Dan Marino-related web domain names – “If that dude ever forgets to renew, he’s in a lot of trouble.”

Favre apparently believes that this all-out assault will so completely crush Marino that the former Dolphin will quickly waste away and die a lonely, unnoticed death. “Look, he lost all that weight using that Nutrisystem thing,” Favre said. “Great, right? Well, the way I see it, he’s that much less strong to withstand the unbridled dominance that ole’ Number Four is about to send his way. And after he’s dead, I’ll prolly take over that Nutrisystem deal, too.”

Favre said that once Marino is out of the picture, the rest of the plan will easily fall into place.

“Once he’s dead, getting rid of everything that proves he was here should be no problem,” Favre said. “I mean, I’ll be invited to almost every place that has Marino memorabilia – CBS, Canton, the Shula’s steakhouse in Chicago, et cetera. It’s just gonna be a matter of lighting that shit on fire and watching his legacy burn away, never to be seen again. Adios, muchacho!”

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Labels: Ace Ventura, Bob Costas, Brett Favre, Cameron Diaz, Canton, CBS, Courteney Cox, Dan Marino, Don Shula, Green Bay Packers, Hall of Fame, HBO, Miami Dolphins, NFL, Nutrisystem, records, Shula's Steakhouse, Super Bowl, There's Something About Mary

Posted on December 20th, 2007

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Favre un-retires, retires again in single press conference (March 10, 2008)
Favre happy he won’t have to cancel “Dancing” (January 23, 2008)

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