Fan dies of Jayhawk fever

LAWRENCE, KS — David Winchester was what some people refer to as a ‘die-hard fan.’ One glance around his dorm room was enough to see that – its walls adorned with posters of various Kansas Jayhawk athletic teams, its floor covered in a large rug with “KU” in its center, and a mousepad with the colorful Kansas mascot Big-Jay giving a thumbs-up.

Sadly, a closer look at the room Saturday evening revealed a tragic sight – Winchester’s lifeless body lying motionless on the floor, his head covered in blue and crimson paint; his body wrapped in a poster of former Jayhawk Danny Manning.

“Early toxicology reports are still on the way, but it doesn’t appear to be lead poisoning or suffocation,” said Lt. Peter Clancy of the Lawrence Police Department. “I can get in trouble for postulating, but it’s obvious to me that this young man died of Jayhawk Fever.”

Further evidence to Lt. Clancy’s was found in a scrapbook under Winchester’s lofted bed. Its contents include ticket stubs for various Jayhawk athletic events dating all the way back to 1994, and continuing through their recent defeat in the Big 12 North Championship football game against rival Missouri.

“He took that loss really hard,” said Darren McCormack, a friend of Winchester who lived on the same floor their freshmen year. “We all talked to him about backing off a bit, but he was just so damn stubborn. He was missing classes to attend swim meets, for God’s sake.”

McCormack and friends told investigators that the last straw came when Winchester blew off a bachelor party so he could attend a press conference for the head coach of the Jayhawk crew team.

“He was a lost cause at that point,” said McCormack. “It’s just so sad.”

A memorial service will be held in the lower quad this week for family and friends to remember Winchester. At the request of the family – upon reading the contents of his diary, which included his wishes in the event of his untimely death – former Jayhawk star Raef LaFrentz will deliver the eulogy.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!