Confederate soldiers to wear alternate Sunday uniforms for upcoming battle

MANASSAS, VA — With the second battle of Manassas scheduled to start this Sunday afternoon, the rebels soldiers have decided to wear their “alternate” Sunday uniforms, as opposed to the traditional, all-gray uniforms for which they are known.

“Given that the battle is starting on a Sunday, we’re going to take a little bit of liberty with our attire,” said Confederate States of America president Jefferson Davis. “The men need a little variety to keep their spirits high, and the battle-watchers – well, they like to see something new as well from time to time. So we’re going to give them what they’d like.”

The new uniforms will feature the same gray trousers that the South soldiers usually wear. However, in lieu of the traditional gray, jacket-style tops, the alternate uniforms will feature sleeveless purple tops, with “Rebels” written in script across the chest.

“Some of the guys expressed concern that they’d be a little cold out in the field without any sleeves,” said Confederate general Robert E. Lee. “Others have expressed some insecurity about the appearance of their upper arms, particularly as far as flabbiness, hairiness, or acne. So, we’ve decided to give the soldiers the option to wear either a black t-shirt underneath, or some sort of UnderArmour long-sleeve athletic shirt. We’re advising them to use quick-drying fabric that wicks moisture away from the skin.”

The decision to go with the alternate jerseys was a long time coming, but Davis says it will provide a much-needed morale boost to the squad.

“A team – whether it’s a baseball team or a rebel army seeking to secede from a nation – is defined by how it looks,” Davis said. “With these beautiful new uniforms, once in a while our guys are going to feel pretty special, like they’ve just spent a couple of days at a spa. And that’s what we’re going for.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!