Bulls hire new head coach

CHICAGO, IL — In the wake of the moderately controversial Christmas Eve canning of coach Scott Skiles, the Chicago Bulls have announced a big name hire to fill their coaching vacancy – South Side native Mike Shoshefski.

Shoshefski, 51, of 114^th and Pulaski, is a blue-collar janitor of Polish origin who has “watched every Bulls game since pre-Jordan” and “reads the Sun Times sports section every day.” Though he has no coaching experience, the Bulls were drawn to Shoshefski because of his dedication to the team, and also a tremendous amount of name recognition.

“It’s really sort of amazing,” said GM John Paxson. “Everywhere I went this week, I told people that we were bringing in Mike Shoshefski to coach the Bulls, and people were so excited. One guy asked if we were going to bring back Elton Brand, too. I said, ‘We’ll have to ask Mike.’”

Bulls owner Jerry Reinsdorf agreed that the Shoshefski hire is exactly what the ailing franchise needs. “I’ve been calling people up and saying, ‘Michael is coming to coach the Bulls, Michael is coming home,’” Reinsdorf told SSNN. “You know, because Coach Shoshefski has told me that he always considered the United Center a sort of home away from home. Anyway, people were just freaking out, they were so happy. You’d think we were bringing back Scottie Pippen or something.”

Shoshefski apparently has a number of interviews scheduled for the coming weeks, most of which are to be conducted via email, according to Bulls PR reps. “We’re not exactly ready to have Coach Shoshefski appear on television or the radio quite yet,” said one Bulls PR official, who declined to be named.

Prior to taking the Bulls position, Shoshefski had been working at the University of Illinois-Chicago, where his salary was not known. He’ll make $3.5 million a year to coach the Bulls. In addition to his duties as head coach and vice-president of basketball operations, Shoshefski will also clean the johns in the locker room after practices.

“Look, it took quite a bit of money to lure Mike from the college ranks,” said Paxson. “Making the leap from college to the NBA takes a lot of courage, and sometimes it takes some money to encourage that. But we feel that we put forth a fair compensation package that will work well both for Coach Shoshefski and also for the Bulls. And we couldn’t be happier that he’s leaving the college game to come to the pros, so to speak.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!