Bonds tells judge he’ll keep lawyers

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Barry Bonds told a federal judge today that he’d like to hold on to two members of his legal staff, even though they’ve represented witnesses against him, because they “just know so much about steroids!”

“These guys are really sort of top-notch steroids lawyers,” Bonds told the judge. “Human growth hormone, too. Basically, whatever you are interested in, they know about it. There is much I can learn from them.”

Bonds is under indictment for allegedly lying to a federal grand jury about having used steroids, and two of his lawyers have in the past represented Dr. Arthur Ting, Bonds’ personal physician, and Tim Montgomery, the track star. Both are expected to be called to testify against Bonds. There was concern that Bonds’ lawyers won’t be able to cross-examine these witnesses properly, but Bonds was not concerned about that.

“Put yourself in my shoes,” Bonds asked the judge. “If you were on trial for your life, would you want some attorney who has never seen a steroid? No. You’d want a guy who’s an expert on this stuff, and that’s what I’ve got. They’ll be able to advise me well, to tell me what to say to make it seem like– er, I mean, to make it clear that– I mean, you know – to get me acquitted.”

As for the fact that Bonds’ lawyers are associated with known steroids users and experts who have implicated Bonds in steroid-related behavior? Bonds again was unconcerned.

“Look, those guys are liars; Montgomery and Ting, they’ve always been liars,” Bonds said. “Except, of course, for the very brief period in time during which my very honest lawyers were representing them.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!