Awkward mistletoe encounter threatens Patriots’ chemistry

FOXBORO, MA — For the New England Patriots, a team that has relied on such precision timing and an uncanny ability to avoid trouble for the past four months, Wednesday night brought with it a momentary letdown that may have far reaching implications as the team continues their run at a perfect season.

According to reports from onlookers, the trouble started at roughly 10 PM, at the team’s annual Christmas party at local restaurant Villa Italiano.

“I was just sort of standing there, you know, minding my own business, knocking back a few mugs of ‘nog, when all of a sudden I sort of feel like my personal space is being violated a bit,” said receiver Wes Welker. “I look to my right, and there’s [quarterback Tom] Brady, grinning like a Cheshire cat, just really smiling it up. He had on a navy blue sweater with snowflakes, and he had that three-day stubble … he looked nice. Anyway, we’re just sort of smiling at each other, and all of a sudden, I realize, ‘Holy cow’ – we were standing under the mistletoe.

“It was pretty awkward,” Welker continued. “At first, I just sort of stopped short, and then I took a step back. Tom was just kind of grinning sheepishly. Maybe even blushing a bit. And then it hit me – we both didn’t just happen to end up under the mistletoe. I was already standing there, and Tom came up to me!”

A visibly shaken Welker removed himself from the situation and walked to the other side of the room, where he spent a little bit of time talking to Pro Bowl-bound offensive linemen Logan Mankins and Matt Light. Shortly thereafter, the three noticed Randy Moss and Tom Brady in a heated, but quiet conversation in the corner of the room, near where the mistletoe encounter had occurred.

“Logan goes, ‘Hey, check out Brady and Randy,’ and we all look over, and it looks like they’re arguing, or fighting, or something like that,” Welker said. “Randy really seemed to be upset. He kept saying something to Brady and trying to walk away, and Brady kept sort of grabbing his arm and trying to explain something. I think I heard Randy saying something like ‘I don’t believe you,’ and Todd thought he heard him say, ‘Why do you keep hurting me so?’”

Moments later, Moss walked outside, announcing loudly that he was “going outside to get some air,” and then Brady followed him outside, where the two spent the next hour and forty-five minutes. At various times during the conversation, there was shouting; at one point, Moss stormed off, got in his SUV and began to drive off, only to stop and let Brady in. The two sat and spoke for another half-hour in the idling car.

“Those guys came back inside around midnight,” Welker said. “Tom sort of glanced my way, and then quickly averted his eyes. Randy was staring me down, though. I mean, really burning holes in my skull. I did not like that feeling.”

Head coach Bill Belichick could not be reached for comment, but Brady did release a statement to the media at the end of the party.

“As a team, we have been growing very close this year, and from time to time, we let our emotions get the best of us,” he read. “After all, we are all human. We do, from time to time, succumb to the same afflictions that dominate the lives of people around this wonderful region and throughout the entire United States. We will grow from this party, and we look forward to operating as a strong, cohesive unit when we play the Dolphins on Saturday.”

Running back Laurence Maroney provided an unbiased and slightly bewildered interpretation of the events.

“Something happened, man – some sort of weird scene between Randy and Tom,” Maroney said. “Alls I know is that at one point, Brady is in the middle of the party, hanging out with Wes, and the next thing he and Randy are having some heart to heart for two hours. And when they finally came in, Randy’s eyes were all bloodshot. It looked like he’d been crying the whole time.

“Though, to be honest, it’s freaking Randy Moss. So if he spends an hour inside an idling car, who the hell knows what’s going on.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!