Weis to start inanimate object at quarterback

SOUTH BEND, IN — With Notre Dame sporting the worst offense in college football, a carousel of inexperienced quarterbacks and a dismal 2-9 record, coach Charlie Weis has decided to shake things up.

“For Saturday’s game, I’ve gone through my options and decided to start an inanimate object at quarterback,” Weis explained to a shocked group of media members. “I’m not sure which one, but I’ve been giving equal snaps to both the water cooler and a discarded shoe I found on the practice field. I think one of the two will give us our best chance to win. Listen – Jimmy [Clausen] played pretty well at home against Duke, but this week we’ll be playing AT Stanford. No more easy street, you know?”

While the receiving corps is wary of the upcoming change, running back James Aldridge is excited. “This could be big for me. With next week’s QB relatively incapable of throwing a pass or making any kind of forward or lateral movement, I’m looking at about 50-60 carries,” he explained. “And with my expanded role, I’m really hoping to showcase myself so that I can transfer next year.”

Boosters for Notre Dame were also excited when they heard the announcement, but their sentiments faded when they discovered that the inanimate object would not in fact be Joe Montana, as they had initially hoped.

Coach Weis promptly left the press conference after dropping this bombshell, refusing to answer any other questions about his team, including the rumor that he replaced his offensive coordinator with a lawn chair.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!