Scott Boras announces Corey Patterson signing during sex with wife

BALTIMORE, MD — During a romantic sexual interlude with his wife Jeanette last night, baseball super-agent Scott Boras announced that free agent Corey Patterson agreed to a 1 year, $4.3 million deal with the Baltimore Orioles. Though the deal is not of the same stature as high-profile client Alex Rodriguez, it is still another lucrative contract for a member of the Boras stable of athletes.Jeanette Boras expressed displeasure with the timing of the announcement, however, calling it “deplorable that Scott would take that moment, with me in such a vulnerable position and on the verge of climax, to make this announcement.” She continued, calling the situation “unfortunate” and “reprehensible.”

Boras, who prefers to be on top and has an affinity for role-playing, claimed ignorance and said that causing a distraction was an unintended consequence, “I apologize to Jeanette for the disruption”, Boras indicated in a statement read by a Boras Agency spokesman. “Jeanette, her body and the signals she was giving, both audibly and non-verbally, deserved to be the focus of the evening and honored with the utmost of respect. The unfortunate result was not my intent, but solely my fault. I could have handled the situation better, and for that I am truly sorry.”

Television therapist Dr. Phil McGraw said situations like the Boras’ are more common than may be realized. While he agreed that the apology was a step in the right direction, the blame was placed squarely on Scott Boras. “There was no reason to make an announcement last night other than to try to put his selfish interests and that of one individual player above the overall sexual health of his marriage,” Dr. Phil said. “Last night and today belong to Jeanette Boras, who should be celebrated for her own bedroom breakthroughs, and as one who has made unbelievable personal allowances for her husband’s performances – or lack thereof - in bed in the past.”