Sabathia to return Cy Young award

CLEVELAND, OH — Indians pitcher C.C. Sabathia announced early Monday that he intends to return his 2007 Cy Young Award because of confusion over what the award actually is.

Sabathia confided to SSNN that six-time Cy Young winner and fellow fat pitcher Roger Clemens told Sabathia the award was filled with chocolate. After a week of attempting to get the alleged chocolate from inside the award, the 290-pound Sabathia said he is returning it to Major League Baseball and demanding a gift basket of sweets.

“I remember watching Roger when I was growing up, and he has definitely put on a few lb’s,” Sabathia said. “So one day I asked him what was up with his gut, and he said it was because of all his Cy Young awards. He told me they were filled with delicious chocolate, the greatest chocolate you will ever experience. In retrospect, maybe it was a metaphor.”

Clemens was unavailable for comment. His agent, Alan Hendricks, said Clemens was far too busy pretending to retire so he can “shockingly” return for yet another season.

Sabathia said his main beef with the apparent miscommunication is all the effort he put into the season. Sabathia had a career-high 19 wins and a career-low 3.21 ERA, while leading the Indians to a Central Division title and ALCS berth.

“If I knew I wasn’t getting chocolate, I would have saved this kind of effort for a contract year. I mean, you didn’t see me wasting any energy in the playoffs, did you?” Sabathia said. “At the very least, give me one of those chocolate bunnies – those things make for a great breakfast.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!