Roger Goodell hands out suspensions in Ellen DeGeneres dog case

NEW YORK, NY — The swift hand of NFL justice struck again this week, as Roger Goodell handed out a new round of suspensions in the Ellen DeGeneres/Iggy the dog incident.

Maria Batkis, the owner of Mutts and Moms, was suspended indefinitely from playing in or appearing at any NFL games. She is eligible for reinstatement after one season. Further, Batkis will be forced to watch every game that the Atlanta Falcons play this year, as a reminder of the horror of cruelty to animals.

“The NFL, as an organization, obviously would never condone anything related to animal cruelty,” Goodell said in a statement. “The league takes the welfare and safety of dogs very seriously, and will punish Batkis to the fullest extent of our powers.”

Goodell, known for his sometimes overly harsh punishments, did not stop there. Ellen DeGeneres was suspended from watching the NFL for six games, and will not be allowed to have Tony Romo on her show even one time for the next two years.

Ellen tearfully apologized to her fans. “I know that you want to see Tony Romo on this show, and it’s not your fault, it’s my fault,” Ellen sobbed. “And I just want to say to Mr. Goodell, please, please let Tony come on this show. He’s such a good quarterback and a good guest, and I never wanted this to ever happen and I’m so sorry!”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!