Philadelphia Eagles fans charged with every unsolved crime in America

PHILADELPHIA, PA — In a bizarre but rather stirring sequence of events, District Attorney Lon Chambers announced that the state of Pennsylvania will charge Philadelphia Eagles fans, as a collective whole, with every unsolved crime in America. “We have a number of witnesses, testimonials and evidence that implicates Philadelphia Eagles fans in a majority of the unsolved crimes in American history, including a handful of presidential assassinations,” Chambers explained. “If we can push through some indictments, this could really boost our clearance rate. If we stick to our guns for long enough, there’s a reasonable expectation that we can eventually prosecute this group. Hell, it worked for the feds going after Bonds.” Eagles fans, known for being violent and unruly, responded to these allegations by forming into an angry mob and shouting indiscernible nonsense as they flipped over cars and pelted the courthouse with batteries. Charges are expected to be filed before the end of the week.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!