Ohio State’s pre-emptive choke leaves college football gods furious

COLUMBUS, OH and HEAVEN — The college football gods are absolutely irate today after The Ohio State University took matters into their own hands with a preemptive choke against Illinois, precluding an eventual “giant” choke against Michigan or “massive” choke in the BCS championship game.

“This is crap,” the gods said in a statement. “Ohio State has no sense of poetry; no sense of drama. To choke in a game the week before they’re supposed to choke on a massive national stage? Who does that?”

Representatives from Michigan were also displeased, but they thought the 28-21 upset by Illinois was no coincidence.

“This is just like Ohio State,” said Michigan quarterback Chad Henne. “They totally didn’t want us to ruin their national championship hopes next week when we beat them for the Big Ten championship, so they just took away the opportunity from us entirely. It’s selfish and it’s disgusting and it makes me very mad.”

Ohio State did not really offer an explanation, and certainly not an apology.

“The Ohio State University is an independent school, and we decide when we are going to choke,” said coach Jim Tressel. “If we decide we are going to choke today, we’ll choke today. If we want to choke tomorrow, we’ll choke then. It’s not like we have to ask permission from anyone to choke.”

The college football gods were not so sure.

“We let Ohio State be a good team for most of the year pretty much every year,” the gods said. “But there’s a quid pro quo involved with that. So if they want to call their own plays, make their own destiny, well… we’ll see how that works out next year, I guess. Mazel tov.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!