McNair urges NFL to increase strength of painkillers

BALTIMORE, MD — Following Monday’s blowout loss to the Steelers, Ravens QB Steve McNair urged the NFL to lobby pharmaceutical companies to increase the strength of painkillers.

“I can’t do this alone. It’s bigger than me. I need a corporation the size of the NFL to help me win this battle,” McNair told SSNN. “The trainer told me he hit me with as many pain killers as he felt comfortable with, and clearly it wasn’t enough. I see only one solution – stronger drugs.”

Approaching what appears to be the end of an impressive career, McNair has battled constant injuries of late and credits the strength of his cortisone shots and vicodin for extending his time as an NFL quarterback.

“Without the vicodin, oxycontin, cortizone shots and a morphine drip, I can’t play,” McNair explained. “It’s that simple – no drugs, no Air McNair.”

McNair is not alone in this fight. Kevin Domboski, the Ravens assistant trainer, has witnessed McNair’s struggles firsthand. From his perspective, McNair’s is a unique case that requires special attention, and he hopes the NFL will help the cause.

“Steve has got to have the highest drug tolerance of any player I’ve ever seen,” Domboski insisted. “He’ll pop fifteen or twenty Oxycontin’s before the game starts, and they’ll wear off by the third quarter.”

Ravens Head Coach Brian Billick has witnessed the pain that McNair regularly suffers, and is sympathetic to his QB’s plight.

“Steve is the leader of this team. We need him on the field, or we’re gonna struggle,” Billick admitted. “We’ve all seen what Kyle Boller does as a starter. In retrospect, we probably should have expected this – but last year, the pain meds were working most of the time.”

When asked for comment, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said that McNair is not alone – “Favre writes us twice a week asking for the same thing. We’re aware of the issue, and we’re trying to work something out.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!