Martina Hingis retires after argument over white lines

ZURICH, SWITZERLAND — Former French Open Champion Martina Hingis abruptly retired from professional tennis on Thursday amid reports she tested positive for cocaine use at Wimbledon this past summer. On Thursday, at a press conference in Zurich, Hingis was reading from a pre-arranged statement, when she suddenly interrupted her speech with screams about the enormity of “spiders” lurking in the back of the press room: “I would like my fans and my supporters to know that I have never indulged in illegal drugs of any sort. Furthermore, I want everyone out there to know that I don’t support . . . HOLY SHIT! Someone get a broom and kill all those spiders back there. Those things are going to kill me!” Hingis was calmed by her mother, her agent, and a correspondent from the French newspaper La Liberté. After she regained her composure, Hingis continued but again lost her poise after a few moments: “I hope the world will not hold this ‘positive’ test against me, because as we have seen time and time again, athletes have been wrongly accused of positive tests when . . . WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT?” Photographers and other members of the press were shocked by the second outburst, and even more shocked when Hingis attempted to strangle one of the members of the press corps by twisting his identity badge around her wrists. Hingis was escorted away from the podium and refused to answer any additional questions.

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It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!