Jesus loves Warner more than Kitna

GLENDALE, AZ — In a much-hyped battle between outspoken Christian quarterbacks Kurt Warner and Jon Kitna, Jesus made his feelings more than apparent by bestowing a victory upon Warner’s Arizona Cardinals Sunday, 31-21 over Kitna’s Detroit Lions.

Warner, playing with a separated shoulder ligament that miraculously was not a factor, threw for 259 yards and 3 touchdowns. In fact, two of the touchdowns went to Arizona TE Leonard Pope. “I mean how much clearer could I be?” Jesus told reporters Sunday. “Two TD’s to Cardinal Pope? I mean, come on. I almost thought I was being too obvious.”

Kitna had previously claimed “a miracle” had allowed him to return to a game against the Vikings three weeks ago after suffering a concussion. Following Sunday’s two-fumble, two-interception performance, Jesus said he had nothing to do with Kitna’s day in Minnesota. “Don’t get me wrong. Kitna’s a good guy – but I wasn’t even there,” said the Son of God, “I was with the Colts that day, helping my boy Tony Dungy hold off the heathen Titans.”

Jesus held back for much of Sunday’s game, waiting to make his presence – and preference – known. Then, at the end of the third quarter and the start of the fourth, all doubt was removed. With six seconds remaining in the third and the Lions on their own 37 yard line trailing 24-14, Kitna fumbled and the ball was recovered by Arizona’s Darnell Dockett. Three plays later, Warner connected on a 20-yard touchdown pass to Larry Fitzgerald, essentially sealing the game and Warner’s place in a golden throne by Christ’s side when he leaves this mortal world.

In the post-game press conference, Kitna said that at one point he looked down on the field and saw only one set of footprints. “At first I thought that was when the Lord was carrying me. Then I realized that they were my footprints the whole time. I probably should have been looking at the ball instead.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!