Gilbert Arenas to unveil new “Twilight Zone” defense

WASHINGTON, DC- The Washington Wizards’ Gilbert Arenas has announced he will change the face of zone defense for this season.

“We are supposed to cover one-on-one in the pros, but I’m going zone, ‘Twilight’ Zone,” said Arenas prior to the Wizards’ season opener against the Pacers.

“It’s a simple thing really, I don’t do it to the guy I’m covering at the moment, but at the other guy who has the ball. He’ll be dribbling down the court, and when he stops to check out the defense, he’ll see I’m on top of his teammate, snarling and making nasty faces at him. He’s gonna be so freaked he won’t pass the ball, and he’ll try to tell the refs on me, but what’s he gonna do? I’m just making faces and gremlin-like noises, that’s not against the rules, dog! By the fourth quarter, he’s gonna lose his mind, like in that episode, remember?”

Arenas refers to the famous Twilight Zone episode in which William Shatner suffers a mental breakdown on a plane after repeatedly warning other passengers of a gremlin trying to eat through the wing’s engine.

Teammate Antonio Daniels revealed a bit more: “wait until he starts to semi-nibble on his guy’s ear. No bite, no feel, it’ll be like a whisper. Welcome to the twilight zone, biotches!”

NBA Commissioner David Stern refused to comment on the story, but let out a big sigh.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!