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News Item

Dallas Cowboys donated to President Bush in exchange for early end to presidency

DALLAS, TX — In a heretofore unexpected and unprecedented event, the Dallas Cowboys have been given away to President George W. Bush, in exchange for a commitment that the president will cut short his term in the oval office, effective immediately.

“Look, I don’t give away billion-dollar sports franchises every day,” said Jerry Jones. “But special circumstances call for special measures, and in this case, I sort of felt that ‘America’s Team’ has a responsibility to America. I’m proud to have given our team away.”

Under the terms of the deal, Bush, who was once the managing partner of the Texas Rangers baseball team, will immediately resign from the presidency and fly to Dallas to assume ownership of the Cowboys.

“I hope to get there by the time they kickoff their showdown against the Washington Redskins this afternoon,” Bush told reporters. “This is a huge game for us, and as owner, I intend to bring a strong focus on the importance of individual contests and struggles in the long-term security of the franchise.”

Some of the Cowboys were thrilled to have Bush as the new head of their organization.

“I gotta say, it’s going to be good to have some solid financial leadership at the helm of this organization,” said quarterback Tony Romo, who was recently extended with a $66 million deal. “Jerry was always trying to make the prudent decision. We don’t need prudence. We need someone who isn’t afraid to spend $100 billion here or there, regardless of the actual value.”

Terrell Owens was also thrilled with the development. “For some reason, things seem to be a lot easier for me since Bush took over,” TO said. “The media doesn’t seem to hate me as much anymore. In fact, some of them are even starting to sort of like me. Subtraction by addition, I guess.”

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell approved the deal late Saturday night, but not without some serious consideration.

“The NFL is about two things–parity, and the well-being of America,” Goodell told SSNN. “The Dallas Cowboys were destroying the first, and President Bush was destroying the second. So the opportunity to bring the two together will solve all problems. What’s next?”

According to reports, Bush’s adjustment to his new role is coming along slowly, but his new employees don’t really seem to mind.

“I scheduled a meeting and went in there to ask to be the starter at tail back every week, which I do pretty much every week,” said Marion Barber III. “Well, he didn’t tell me I could be the starter. But he did assure me that he will soon pass a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage among any members of the Dallas Cowboys. So I got that going for me, which is nice.”

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Labels: Dallas Cowboys, George W. Bush, Jerry Jones, Marion Barber III, NFL, presidency, President Bush, Roger Goodell, Terrell Owens, Texas Rangers, Tony Romo

Posted on November 18th, 2007

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Other Related News Items

• Tank Johnson to sign autographs at Dallas Gun Show (October 19, 2007)
• Jones mourns Smith, hires Phillips (February 9, 2007)
• Romo’s new contract requires him to sleep with Wade Phillips’ wife (November 5, 2007)
• Jones wants to help Bolts (February 14, 2007)

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<a target="_blank" href="http://www.serioussportsnewsnetwork.com/2007/11/dallas-cowboys-donated-to-president-bush-in-exchange-for-early-end-to-presidency.html" title="Dallas Cowboys donated to President Bush in exchange for early end to presidency">Dallas Cowboys donated to President Bush in exchange for early end to presidency</a>

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