Commissioner to change rules, allow mob payoffs for refs

NEW YORK, NY — NBA Commissioner David Stern announced today that the league is about to undergo several “long overdue” rule changes in light of recent NBA gambling scandals.

“The rules that are on the books with regards to gambling in professional basketball in this day and age are simply outdated, to say the least,” the commissioner told a confused room of sports reporters. “The last time I checked, we do not live in Nazi Germany. This, ladies and gentlemen, is America.”

The recent discovery that over half of the NBA’s officials have participated in many forms of gambling, including casino gambling, as well as late night poker games at their private residences, Stern said, is what lead to the new rule changes. These forms of gambling are strictly forbidden under the NBA’s current policy. “The NBA is not looking to make criminals out of anyone”, Stern continued. “We simply want honest officiating.”

One of Commissioner Stern’s proposed changes, however, would go even one step further, allowing NBA officials to actually accept bribes that could affect the outcome of NBA games, including, but not limited to, payoffs from the Mob. “Look, what our officials do on the side in order to make money to feed their families is none of my concern,” Stern told SSNN when pressed for comment. “The Mafia gets a bad rap anyway. I, myself, am personal friends with a local low-level guy named Vinnie the Nose. Vinnie is good people,”

Immediately following the press conference, SSNN was able to contact former and disgraced NBA official Tim Donaghy by phone. Mr. Donaghy was released by the league back in July after it became known by Commissioner Stern that he had accepted mob payoffs in exchange for dirty officiating. Donaghy told SSNN that he had but one word to say upon learning of the league’s new policy, “Vindication!!!”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!