Braves offseason goals: sign Glavine, discover Fountain of Youth

ATLANTA, GA — Earlier this week, Atlanta resigned former Brave and likely future Hall-of-Famer Tom Glavine. Saturday morning, the Braves released a statement to the media, saying that the organization has also begun a mission to discover the legendary Fountain of Youth.

“It’s the least we could do for Tom,” manager Bobby Cox told SSNN. “We want to help him get back to his glory days in Atlanta – we’re not paying good money for some mediocre Met. It’s all for the good of the club.”

Glavine was a member of the Braves for over fifteen years before leaving for New York. His time with the Mets pales in comparison to his Braves career – in five seasons he twice posted losing records (something he never did in Atlanta) and was consistently over his career average in ERA (3.51) – but management has reason to believe that an age reduction would assist Glavine in returning to form.

The infamous Fountain of Youth was the object of many search missions between the 15^th and 18^th centuries. Long believed to be in the state of Florida, Braves officials are certain that Atlanta’s proximity to the sunshine state gives them a leg up on other ball clubs.

“We’re just a short plane ride from Miami,” Braves GM Frank Wren said. “Discovering the Fountain of Youth could be the answer to all our prayers. The possibilities are endless.”

By discovering the Fountain, the Braves hope to breathe life into not only Glavine, but also an organization that has underachieved lately after winning fourteen consecutive division titles. So far there has been no progress, but club representatives are scheduled to meet with Julio Franco – widely suspected to have some knowledge of the location of the Fountain – later this week.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!