Boston sports fans confident apocalypse is near

BOSTON, MA — The recent success of Boston sports teams has led many Bostonians to speculate that the apocalypse is near.

“Oh, abso-fuckin’-lutely,” Boston sports fan, Bert McNulty told SSNN. “I’m gonna stick around for the Celts and Pats to win their titles and then I’m heading up to Canada. I don’t know who signed the deal with the devil, but it’s not gonna last forever.”

This sentiment was echoed throughout the city, as SSNN reporters canvassed multiple sports bars. Though nobody seemed to have any real knowledge of a pact with the dark lord, plenty of bar patrons were willing to speculate.

“Danny Ainge is Satan!” said Johnny McAttler, 24, of Newton, Mass. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that. We’re all about the banners, baby – whatever it takes.”

Others were less carefree: “He should have left well enough alone,” according to Les Frankel, 73, of Brookline. “There’s no way Jesus lets us get away with this. Get in your car and don’t look back!”

After the retirement of basketball legend Larry Bird, Beantown fans suffered one sports disappointment after another. However, Boston’s luck changed practically overnight with the Red Sox and Patriots winning multiple titles in recent years, and the Celtics assembling three future Hall-of-Famers.

“Nobody should have this type of luck. Nobody,” Celtics season ticket holder Ben Chairs proclaimed. “I got a wicked bad feeling about this.”

A recent poll by the Boston Globe revealed that 64% of Bostonians believe the vengeful wrath of God will be brought to bear by a massive flood striking the city, and 25% think that George Steinbrenner will purchase a weapon of mass destruction. The remainder is split evenly between “The Celtics’ and Patriots’ planes will crash into each other,” and “Who cares? Global warming will kill us all first.”