Bonds indictment has headline writers breaking out the big wood

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Mark McBriar was just another nameless headline writing intern until earlier this week, when Barry Bonds’ indictment brought him to center stage.

“This is it for me, this is my Super Bowl, this is my Hall of Fame induction,” McBriar said. “This is why they pay me the big bucks. Or rather, give me course credit. There are certain times in life that call for a great headline, and this is one of them, and I am ready.”

McBriar arrived at his internship at a small, weekly sports newspaper in San Francisco with no less than 15 different Bonds-related headlines in hand, and an extreme desire to share them. So, he called a staff meeting, to share his work.

“I started out pretty simple, with some basic alliterations,” McBriar said. “‘Bad Barry’ was one of them. ‘Bye bye Barry’ was another. Just some basic stuff, to really get the blood flowing. ‘Balco Barry Busted.’ Stuff like that.”

It wasn’t just simple alliteration for McBriar, though. “I started to do some more intense things, things that the average person just won’t think about. Like, for example, the word ‘Barry’ sounds just like the word ‘very.’ So I threw out a couple of ideas like ‘Barry Bad Things’ and ‘Barry Serious Situation.’ Some really hot stuff. You also gotta think about the last name, ‘Bonds.’ Especially given that he’s going to turn himself in and have to post bond, we’re going to have a field day with that one.”

In the end, the response from his colleagues was lukewarm, but McBriar pressed forward. “A lot of these people, they don’t really understand the nature of headlines,” McBriar said. “A headline should really be the whole piece, it should be hilarious and awesome and really fun. If you have to read the rest of the story, it should be because you have to, for your job, or something. Otherwise, the headline should do you just fine.”

After hours of debate, the staff of the publication decided on a very simple headline for the piece: “Bonds Indicted on Perjury Charges.”

“I like it,” McBriar said. “Short, sweet, to the point. Barry nice.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!