Abbas and Olmert agree to peace between Red Sox and Yankees

ANNAPOLIS, MD — After a truly momentous exchange that will resonate throughout history, the Red Sox and the Yankees are now at peace, thanks to the sedulous efforts of Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmoud Abbas.

“We are pleased to announce that, at the end of a very long day of negotiation, we have reached a peace accord between the Yankees and the Red Sox,” said Abbas. Olmert concurred. “It was difficult, and we worked through the night, but we finally were able to get it done.”

Reaction from the players of both teams was mixed. “The deal includes many caveats and provisions, and really is more of a framework for peace than an actual peace accord,” said Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter. “Still, it is huge progress in an area that desperately needed it.”

The deal calls for the Red Sox to immediately cease winning World Series for a period of no less than 20 years. During that time, the Yankees have agreed to continue to employ Alex Rodriguez at a very high salary; spend a ton of money acquiring lackluster starting pitching; and totally neglect their bullpen until the season is well underway.

“I am very pleased with the terms of this peace agreement,” Alex Rodriguez said. “I will finally find myself in a position to go forth and do my job at a very high rate of pay, with little or no concern paid to my post-season performance.”

One person who is not happy with the deal is Curt Schilling. The Red Sox veteran pitcher was furious when he learned that a proposal which would officially declare his locker a holy shrine was cut from the final version of the accord.

“Look, we had to make some tough choices,” said Theo Epstein, who represented the Red Sox in negotiations. “We offered to give up naming Curt the exalted but benevolent ruler of all New England, as was his request. In exchange, the Yankees fans have agreed to be a little bit nicer to Mike Lowell. I think it’s a pretty fair trade.”

Olmert and Abbas are meeting in Annapolis, Maryland to discuss peace between the Israelis and Palestinians, and they promised that they’d begin to focus fully on that issue by Friday at 5 pm. “First, I wanna take a crack at the Writers Guild strike,” Olmert said. “I really feel like that baby is in my wheelhouse. Then, peace in the Middle East, of course - but only if there’s enough time.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!