Williams attempts, fails to rectify tipping misdeeds

DETROIT, MI — Detroit Lions’ Wide Receiver Roy Williams is trying to make up for years of acting under a strict no-tipping policy, which he told the world about last week. So when he gave a hefty $1 million donation to T.I.P.S. (an organization that trains bartenders and other service employees) last week, Williams thought he had reversed all of his bad karma with pizza guys the world over.

“I just assumed it was one of those things that people give to and it’s dispersed amongst all those who work on tips – like bartenders or blackjack dealers,” said Williams, whose agent presented T.I.P.S. with the money in a ceremony yesterday. “It wasn’t until after the donation was made that I realized I had made a big mistake. I even hand-wrote one of those giant, novelty checks with a Sharpie.”

T.I.P.S. is refusing to give the money back. Though Williams was apparently misled, a donation is a donation, and the people at T.I.P.S. say they can use the money as well.

“It is unfortunate that Mr. Williams made this mistake,” said an executive for T.I.P.S. to SSNN reporters. “That being said, we could really use the money to better fund our training programs. And let’s be honest – a tip is a tip, and you just don’t give those back. Even if someone thought you had delivered their pizza.”

Williams fumed further when he realized his donation of $1 million was actually 17% of his net spending over the past several years. SSNN reporters asked the NFL star about his plans for when a sausage and mushroom pizza is delivered to his front door in the future.

“Are you kidding?” he said. “I just gave out a million clams to some fake tipping organization. That’s worth another ten years of free pizza deliveries… and if you are a valet, señor – well, forget about it!”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!