Some Cubs jealous of Mets’ epic choke job

CHICAGO, IL — A late report from Chicago Monday night indicated that the Chicago Cubs are extremely jealous of the New York Mets for the brilliant and history-making choke job they managed over the past month.

“Yeah, I’m pretty jealous,” said Cubs first baseman Derrek Lee. “Look, we tried to choke; we lost a bunch of games in the last week of the season. But we got no help – it takes a little bit of help if you want to squander a lead in the last week of the season, and we got nothing. Why couldn’t they have re-aligned the Pirates into the East and the Phillies into the central?”

“That was a pretty sick choke job,” concurred Cubs third baseman Aramis Ramiez. “Did you see how Jose Reyes just mailed it in those last few games? And how that Hall of Famer [Tom Glavine] got lit up like a Christmas tree, with the season on the line? Epic! You don’t just roll out of bed and blow a seven-game lead.”

Moises Alou, who was instrumental in the 2003 Cubs’ Bartman-inspired choke and is a member of the current Mets, declared that this was the worst choke he’d ever been a part of.

“Look, I understand the Cubs culture,” he said. “I was there. I know exactly how much pride they take in their choking over there. But I gotta tell you, this was the best choke that I have ever seen. This had it all – collapses all around the diamond; crushing, excruciating defeats; and, best of all, it happened in the biggest media market in the country. Absolutely fantastic.”

The Cubs front office, led by former marketing guru and current President of Baseball Operations John McDonough, takes a different tack on the collapse. While McDonough respects what the Mets were able to do, he maintains that the Cubs continue to set the bar for choking.

“Sure, it’s nice that they were able to go down so hard, but what we’re doing here on the North Side of Chicago is so much bigger than that,” McDonough told SSNN when asked to comment on the Mets’ achievement. “99 years – that’s what the fuck I’m talking about. Sure, we have epic single-season collapses of our own, but they’re all part of the greater whole. Ninety-freaking-nine years – you tell Omar Minaya to call me if they’re still losing in a century.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!