Schilling might cut ankle to regain 2004 magic

BOSTON, MA — Following last Saturday’s sub-par performance against Cleveland, Curt Schilling is looking for answers. After shutting down the Angels in the opening playoff series, Schilling struggled with his command and gave up five runs in only two innings of work. “I’m seriously considering cutting myself severely if it will bring back my 2004 stuff,” the Red Sox fireballer said. Referring to the famous “bloody sock incident,” in which Schilling heroically defeated the Yankees while his ankle bled profusely, the former World Series MVP hopes that repeating the events of that fateful evening might help him regain the velocity and command that eluded him against the Indians. “We’re just looking for a win right now,” Red Sox Manager Terry Francona said. “I don’t encourage my players to physically harm themselves… But if Curt says he thinks it’ll work, I have to trust him. He’s been in this situation before. Hell, I can’t say that cutting Schilling hasn’t crossed my mind, too.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!