Report: college students using football as excuse for excessive drinking

SALT LAKE CITY, UT — A shocking report from the Organization to Prevent Collegiate Drinking (OPCD) has indicated that many college students are, in fact, only attending their university’s football games as an excuse for some sort of grandiose outdoor drinking festival.

“This is one of those moments that makes your blood stop flowing,” said Dr. Martina McClaren, director of the OPCD. “Our study indicated that some students do not even know the final score of a game they literally just walked out of.”

Apparently, according to OPCD, many students see Saturdays as a “party day,” complete with an early morning wakeup and the preparation of alcohol-spiked punches, and other sorts of sweet libations. Often, McClaren said, the students will gather with friends and have “tailgate parties,” that are simply excuses to gorge on barbecued food and further ingest huge amounts of beer.

A quick survey by SSNN revealed that, on at least one campus, many of the students did indeed fit McClaren’s stunning description. “I loooove football Saturdays,” said Jenna Rogers, 19, an Auburn sophomore. “Freshman year I’m pretty sure I hooked up after every game.”

Rampant promiscuity is a hallmark of the irresponsible approach to athletic fandom that McClaren is speaking out against. Additionally, she said, the drinking binges often lead to drug use, and poor study habits.

“Have you ever looked in the library on Saturday afternoon when a football game is happening?” McClaren asked. “There’s nobody there – everyone is out wasting their life on beer.”

“Hell naw, I never go to the library during football,” said Charlie Jones, 20, who has almost enough credits to be a sophomore at the University of Florida. “I don’t like to be judgmental, but the library is for fools, and pussies. Do I look like a pussy?”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!