Patriot System™ makes starters almost unnecessary

BOSTON, MA — Several days after their complete destruction of the Cincinnati Bengals on Monday Night Football, the New England Patriots made a stunning announcement today. Coach Bill Belichick and owner Bob Kraft told a gathering of press that they only intend to play their starters for about two quarters per game, in an effort to save them for the playoffs.

“Obviously we don’t need these guys for the entire game,” Belichick told the media, ” No sense risking injury, so we are only going to play ‘Tom & The Gang’ – I came up with that nickname myself, by the way – for half of the game. Which quarters we play them will be decided as the game goes on. Probably the first, so we can just take a big lead and get our young guys some tick. But as the season goes on, maybe we’ll start with some scrubs and fall behind, just to make it interesting. Then Tommie and Randy and lead the comeback – you know, just to give the fans a little something different.”

When Kraft took the podium, he restated his belief in the Patriot System™ – “It’s our system – it’s just so awesome. I mean, look what we did with Randy Moss – attitude problem my ass! Because of our Patriot System™, we are confident we can put basically any scrub on the field and they’ll have the best game of their life. We’ve done it before and we will do it again. Hell, we may not need the starters at all for the rest of the season.”

As if to prove their point, Belichick and Kraft were replaced by homeless men that they reportedly grabbed off the street only minutes before the press conference. As expected, they did a wonderful job and made most media members forget that the actual Patriots’ brass had left. As Anderson Kyte – Belichick ’s replacement – said, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am proof that the Patriot System™ works. This morning they pulled me out of a drunken stupor and brought me here – twenty minutes later I am able to draw up zone blitzes and exotic five-wideout sets.”

In a handout given to all media members listing the benefits of the Patriot System™ – which Kyte said the team is selling “for eleventy bazillion dollars” – the team explicitly reserved the right to play “Tom & The Gang” for the entire game in any contest against the Colts and in the Super Bowl, if necessary.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!