New “glass-is-half-full” Steinbrenner repents, extends Torre

TAMPA, FL — Stating that “life is too short” to be angry all the time, Yankees owner George Steinbrenner has repented from his original claim and has decided to offer manager Joe Torre a lucrative long-term contract.

“I’ve been doing some thinking, and I’m getting on in years,” Steinbrenner said. “I don’t want to go down as a guy who just cared about winning. I don’t really care if we don’t win another championship, ever. I just really like Joe Torre, and I’d like to see him back in pinstripes. He deserves more money, don’t you think?”

Steinbrenner has indicated that he’s going to give Torre an additional four or five years, with “decreased expectations and boatloads of cash.”

“Look, we made the playoffs this year, and that’s good enough, you know what I mean?” Steinbrenner said. “Twenty two teams didn’t make the playoffs. We got there, you know? That’s pretty big. I feel like we should be really proud, and I’m proud of Joe. The future is bright for the Yankees. The glass, as they say, is half full.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!