Marion Jones stripped of medal for pine tar infraction

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND — In an altogether unprecedented and completely shocking development, U.S. Olympic sprinter Marion Jones has been stripped of her relay gold medal from the 2000 Sydney Olympic Games for putting too much pine tar on the baton.

“Ms. Jones put more than the allowable seventeen centimetres of pine tar on the baton,” said a representative of the International Olympic Committee. “This provided her an enormous advantage in the race. Not having to worry about dropping the baton, or anything like that … I mean, she might as well have simply cut the distance for the race in half.”

Jones initially claimed she did not realize what the substance that she’d placed upon the baton was.

“Hogwash,” said the IOC official. “She knew what it was and what it was used for. She used the pine tar with full knowledge of its uses and impact. And she will pay the price.”

Jones is also being investigated for having “corked” her legs – making her overall weight much lighter by replacing her fibula with cork – which is also a violation of Olympic rules.

“I assure you, we will resolve this matter,” the Olympic official stated. “The Olympics are a contest of purity and honesty. We will not tolerate cheating of any sort.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!