Man picks Sharapova trading card over mother

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL — A Florida man was arrested, but ultimately released Saturday after forcing his mother out of their Coral Springs home when he was given an ultimatum to choose between her and a Maria Sharapova trading card.

Lorenzo Alves, 19, acquired the Sharapova card last spring in a trade with an undisclosed third party, reportedly for some used adult magazines and a box of 80’s comic books. His mother, Anatolia Alves, 43, sensed a change in her son almost immediately.

“That little picture of a woman he brought home, it did things to his head, you know?” Anatolia told SSNN. “He started taking it everywhere. He slept with it, took it to work – he even had it laminated when it started to get worn. I think he got it wet in the bathroom or something.”

After he lost his job at a local Greek restaurant for taking too many unauthorized bathroom breaks, Alves’ mother addressed the issue directly, demanding that Lorenzo choose between the her and the card.

“Apparently, it all broke loose after that,” said Michael Diaz, the first patrolman to arrive at the scene after Lorenzo Alves threw his mother out. “Very loud swearing – in Spanish – was coming from inside the house, and Mrs. Alves kept saying that woman was ‘el demonio.’”

While not the first time a domestic violence call involved a man, his girlfriend, and the man’s mother, patrolman Díaz had never seen one where the girlfriend in question was a 2×5 inch cardboard cutout.

“We’ve had problems with people and inflatable dolls, but this… never,” said officer Diaz.

Alves was taken into custody and released a few hours later when his mother refused to press charges, saying only that their problems had alredy been solved with the help of their home toilet

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!