Indians’ Byrd releases prescription history

CLEVELAND, OH — In the interest of full disclosure, as well as saving his clean-cut reputation, Indians’ pitcher Paul Byrd released his personal medical records to MLB and the sports media on Monday. The decision was made by Byrd in response to the discovery of his use of HGH, which the star pitcher maintains is taken strictly for a diagnosed pituitary disorder. HGH was banned by professional baseball in 2005.

“I just want to be completely open and honest with the fans here in Cleveland,” Byrd told SSNN this morning. “The last thing that I would ever want to do is have people think that I would take any kind of substance for anything other than a diagnosed medical aliment.”

Although the release of Byrd’s medical records may have been well-intentioned, his list of prescriptions for other “diagnosed aliments” may raise even more questions. The pitcher’s list of prescriptions includes, among others, several from a doctor in San Francisco, CA for the use of medical marijuana. Another potentially concerning item on the list is a prescription from a doctor in Columbia for an undisclosed amount of cocaine.

“Oh, those are very easy to explain,” Byrd told SSNN, when reached for comment. “The marijuana is for a severe cataract problem I’ve been dealing with since I was in college. As far as the coke goes, I’ve been struggling with narcolepsy ever since nap time in pre-school. I only take a little of that stuff, just so I don’t fall asleep on the mound. But I can certainly understand how people could get the wrong idea about those two.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!