Homer Bailey’s arm spontaneously starts to hurt very very badly

CINCINNATI, OH — While the Cincinnati Reds organization, under new management, looks hopefully to the future, many are concerned with some very bad news about prospect Homer Bailey. The trouble started Saturday, Oct. 13, just as the Reds were announcing the hiring of manager Dusty Baker.

“I was just sitting there on the couch, watching the press conference with Dusty,” Bailey said. “All of a sudden, my arm started to hurt something awful. You’ve never felt pain like this, man – never. I didn’t do anything to trip it up, either. It was like just the sight of this guy made my arm hurt.”

Responsibly, Bailey headed to see a local physician, who diagnosed him with Bakerism, a debilitating arm virus with no known cure, that has afflicted a number of Major League pitchers over the past 15 years.
Bailey is concerned that his pitching career may be in jeopardy.

“Looking at that TV screen, man, it felt like I had thrown 230 innings for three years in a row,” he said. “My arm was throbbing like I was throwing 140 pitches in a game that we were winning by eight. It felt like I was asked to pitch four innings on one day’s rest the day before the All-Star game, even though we were down by four runs and six games out of first place.”

When asked for comment, Baker seemed unperturbed by the news, and confident that Bailey would bounce back.

“Come on, dude – Homer’s going to be just fine,” Baker said. “I’ve dealt with Bakerism before, and always gotten through it. Look at guys like Kerry Wood, Mark Prior, and Jason Schmidt. All those guys had Bakerism, and they’ve all turned out perfectly okay. There’s nothing to be concerned about here, and I’m penciling that Bailey dude in for a good 250 innings this year … unless I get approval to go with a four-man rotation.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!