Holliday’s behavior "just childish," Rockies say

DENVER, CO — Matt Holliday won’t stop pinching teammates and making ambiguously erotic comments about dreams, several members of the Rockies reported Tuesday.

“It has gotten pretty bad,” said Todd Helton. “About two weeks ago – when we still had no shot in hell, but we were winning games – he started pinching himself and saying things like ‘I think I’m dreaming.’ Pretty innocuous, at that point. But it has gotten a lot worse.”

According to Helton, following the Rockies’ win Monday night to earn a playoff berth, Holliday pinched his ass and said something along the lines of, “Hey Todd, I’ll be seeing you in my sleep again tonight.”

“I mean, I’m no homophobe,” Helton told SSNN. “I think that would legitimately disturb almost anyone.”

Troy Tulowitzki told a similarly disturbing story.

“At least that might possibly relate to baseball,” said the rookie shortstop. “Holly pinched my side yesterday and asked me if I wanted to go take a nap together so we could continue ‘imagining possibilities.’ Who says that?”

Rockies manager Clint Hurdle, while elated that the Rockies are in the playoffs, said that Holliday’s dearth of couth is actually causing him some trouble.

“Look, he’s messing with the chemistry of the clubhouse,” Hurdle said. “Jeff Francis came up to me today all worried about it. The guy is going to start the first game of the playoffs for us, and he’s traumatized. All he could do is keep saying, ‘Skip, what if we make the World Series?’”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!