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Family road trip merely ruse for trophy pickup

DENVER, CO — John Patton, 44, is in hot water today with his wife Mary after she realized that the family vacation Patton had planned was a thinly veiled excuse to pick up his fantasy baseball trophy.

“Yeahup, the wife caught on,” Patton said, when reached at a rest area outside of Des Moines, Iowa. “And she is hopping mad. Even having the invaluable Crunchberry Cup in our possession is not serving to quell her ire.”

The trip started innocently enough, when John suggested to Mary that they pack the car and head off on an eight-day road trip with no real plan as to where they were going to go. Given that the Pattons have two daughters under the age of six, Mary was initially reluctant, but gave in after some peer pressure.

“Well, I was worried at first, given that Molly gets carsick, and Melanie is still in diapers,” Mary said. “But I figured, ‘What the hey!’ We need a little excitement. I should have known then that something was wrong… Or if not then, at least when John decided to start by driving east on I-70 through Kansas. Who willingly takes I-70 through Kansas?”

The plan was to have John and Mary alternate major turns and decisions, but John had a secret plan in mind – to steer the course of the trip to Schaumburg, Illinois, home of 2006 Crunchberry Cup winner Greg Blintzer, or Sausagehead to his friends and leaguemates.

“Yeah, we were supposed to alternate decisions,” Mary said. “But it was really weird. A lot of the time John would tell me that what I’d chosen was a bad idea. One time he said it was opposite day, and took a left when I said to go right. One time I woke up from a nap because he was pulling a U-turn on the highway, so we could head away from Kansas City and toward Iowa.”

After three days, tensions in the car were high, and the family found themselves in Rockport, Illinois. “We hadn’t stopped to do anything,” Mary said. “Nothing except driving and staying in Red Roof Inns. Actually, we did get to take a picture of the bridges of Madison County – that was nice, but that was it. And then John just mentions that Sausagehead lives a couple of hours away and that he’s never met the kids, and maybe we can just stop by there. So I’m like, ‘Why the heck do I care if your stupid frat brother has ever met our girls?’ But you know, I was tired and hungry, so I went along with it. I figured we could go shopping on Michigan Avenue in Chicago, or something.”

But there was to be no trip to Chicago. Hours after arriving at Sausagehead’s house, Greg Patton declared that the family would be taking off and heading back for Denver. “He said that we were leaving because if he got back by Friday, he wouldn’t have to take Friday off of work, and he’d be able to spend an extra day in Phoenix on his annual golf trip with his brothers. That’s when I realized what was going on.”

Presently, the family has been driving for two days en route to Denver, and Mary has still not spoken to John. “This has been the worst family vacation ever,” she said. “We’ve got this stupid freaking broken cereal bowl sitting in the back of the car, and we drove halfway across the country to get it. I feel like I wasted a week of my life.”

John Patton, however, had not changed his view of the value of the trip. “Look, marriage is forever,” he said. “But a fantasy baseball championship and possession of the Crunchberry Cup – well, ’nuff said.”

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Labels: fantasy baseball, I-70, Red Roof Inn, road trip

Posted on October 1st, 2007

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