Cubs ready for overdue vacation

CHICAGO, IL — After the Chicago Cubs were swept by the Arizona Diamondbacks in the NLDS, there was relief in the Chicago locker room.

“To be honest, I was kind of pissed that I had to delay my vacation by a week,” Chicago ace Carlos Zambrano told SSNN. “I had plans to go to Hawaii right after the season. I bought the tickets back in April, and they were non-refundable. In hindsight, maybe not the best idea – but I figured, we’re the Cubs, you know?”

While the Arizona locker room celebrated with champagne, the Cubs had a celebration of their own. Aramis Ramirez was seen running through the locker room singing a bad parody of Alice Cooper’s “School’s Out For Summer.” (”BASEBALL’S OUT FOR SUMMER!! I MEAN WINTER!!!!!”) Derrek Lee was seen happily packing up his gear and skipping out of the clubhouse. The only player who seemed concerned was catcher Jason Kendall, who was seen crying in the corner and whining that he has nothing to go home to.

“I was pretty mad when I found out we won the NL Central. I mean, we did everything we could to lose that division,” said a visibly upbeat Lou Piniella. “Embarrassingly, the Brewers were even worse. But I am pleased with how our lineup came out and performed against Arizona. If we’d hit the ball, there’s a decent chance we would have been roped into another series.”

In a related story, potential owner Mark Cuban has rescinded his offer to buy the team after this latest loss, because, “my heart can’t handle owning two teams full of choking losers. I’ll just stick to basketball.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!