Cubs blow off rally for Halo

CHICAGO, IL — Members of Cubs management, former players and approximately 10,000 rabid fans attended a downtown celebration for the Central Division champions on Monday. Only one thing was missing – the 2007 Cubs.

While members of the team’s front office were quick to point out that the players were already in Arizona preparing for Wednesday’s game against the Diamondbacks, an SSNN investigation has discovered the disturbing truth.

“Big Z’s a master of the plasma grenade,” boasted Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano, raising his hands in victory. Zambrano admitted to SSNN’s team of bulldog investigators that he and his teammates have spent the past two days in a remote location in the Chicago suburbs playing Halo 3.

Zambrano claimed he has not slept since the Cubs 8-4 loss to the Cincinnati Reds on Sunday, the team’s final regular season game. He said most of his teammates have done the same, and that while they were aware of the rally, they never had any intentions of attending it.

“No way, dude. This is a crucial time for Halo 3 players,” he said. “Fans are great, but learning every nook and cranny of every new level is much more important. And the online play is better than any human interaction. My experience is almost at ‘General’.”

Most of the Cubs were unwilling – or possibly unable – to speak about missing the rally to play a video game. Felix Pie echoed the sentiments of many players.

“Get away from me, man. I’ve been getting my ass handed to me for the past 48 hours. I need to get better – quick.”

Veteran Steve Trachsel was in even worse shape. He has been practicing the most popular Halo strategy, which involves a 12-pack of cheap bear and a very large bong.

“Not good forming sentences now,” said Trachsel, who was left off the Cubs playoff roster. “Must kill TV people.”

Despite the apparent indifference toward the rally, some Cubs fans don’t seem to mind the players’ choice. Self-described Cubs fanatic Larry Hall told SSNN that the discoveries of this investigation neither anger him nor surprise him.

“So you’re telling me the Cubs didn’t rally? I’ve been a fan for 40 years, I’m used to the Cubs not rallying,” Hall said. “Besides, when we get eliminated from the playoffs we can just blame it on the Halo 3 curse.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!