Antoine Walker looking to replace Oliver Miller as “Fattest Timberwolf Ever”

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — New Minnesota Timberwolves forward Antoine Walker says he’s thrilled to join the team and is looking forward to carrying forth the great legacy set by former Timberwolf Oliver Miller, and becoming the fattest Timberwolf in history.

“This is a great franchise, a tremendous franchise, with a lot of history,” Walker said Thursday during a press conference to welcome him to the city. “I hope that I can pick up the baton of great players in Timberwolf history and keep growing that legacy, making the history of Timberwolves basketball bigger and wider and more robust.”

Walker presently weighs about 280 pounds, far short of the 350-plus pounds that Miller was sporting for much of his career. However, Walker is hoping that an extremely sedentary lifestyle, combined with a total lack of exercise from about mid-April until September each year, will allow him to eclipse Miller’s sizeable mark.

“Someday, at the end of the tape measure of Timberwolves basketball history, I hope that they look at me when I walk down the street and say, ‘There goes Antoine Walker, the fattest Timberwolf that ever lived.’”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!