Americans prepare for most productive workday since October 2004

USA — Millions of Americans are scrambling today to set up meetings, schedule phone calls, and arrange client visits; all in a desperate attempt to avoid face-to-face contact with gloating Red Sox fan co-workers.

“I have a very busy day planned today,” said John Marshall, 37, who sits next to Timothy O’Connor, 34, at DataTech systems in Sarasota, Fla. “You see, Tim is from just outside Boston, and dear God is he annoying about the Red Sox. I don’t think I can deal with it today, so I am planning two morning sales calls, three PowerPoint presentations, and a lunch meeting. I’m hoping for a banner day, productivity-wise.”

Schoolteacher Amanda Morel, 29, of Saugatuck, Mich. has a similarly renewed zest for work today. “There is little to no chance that I will see Janine [Hennessy, a 4th grade teacher originally from Orono, Maine]. I have scheduled parent teacher conferences from 3 pm to 7 pm, and then after that I am going to play the piano for the school’s rehearsals of ‘Our Town.’ I am pretty excited about it. I mean, it’ll suck to be at school until 9 pm for the next three weeks, but not as much as spending the whole day hearing about the Red Sox.”

Today is expected to be the most productive day in America since October 2004, when the Red Sox finished a sweep of the St. Louis Cardinals. The American Employee Productivity Association indicated that Monday has the potential to be the most productive day in American history.

“Having the New England Patriots be 8-0 should exacerbate the issue, raising New England fans in general to an all-time high in unbearability; a new plateau of annoyingness,” said an AEPA study. “More and more Americans are overworking themselves in a desperate attempt to avoid a ‘Let’s compare Tom Brady to Joe Montana’ conversation as a break from the inevitable World-Series-sweep gloating. For many people, avoiding those conversations is worth not seeing their kids for a few weeks.”

The sterling record of the Boston College Eagles is not expected to have any impact on American productivity, as most New England sports fans are unaware of that team’s success.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!