A-Rod offers one-year deals, performance incentives to service-industry workers

BRONX, NY — Alex Rodriguez, citing what he states is a “brilliant, performance-based standard,” is beginning to offer everyone he knows one-year, incentive-heavy deals to continue in their current roles. “I found out about this new strategy recently,” A-Rod said. “I can’t remember where I found out about it, I think I read about it or something. Anyway, doesn’t matter. See the deal is, you basically tell people that they get one more year to do what they’ve been doing, and you pay them a little bit of money for doing the job. If they do well, though, they get extra money — sort of like an agreed-upon bonus that happens before the year starts. And if they suck, then it’s easy to get rid of them. Genius, right?”

According to reports, the Rodriguez family’s housekeeper Esmerelda, who comes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, will make an extra $300 every time the house is “spic and span.” The Rodriguez family has also included performance bonuses for their child’s nanny, who will make an extra $4,000 for each month that the child does not go to the hospital with an injury, and an extra $20,000 if the three-year-old is able to complete the year without a cold.

Rodriguez’s performance incentives do not stop with his domestic help, however. He has announced he will be providing an “up-to-15-percent bonus” for any waiter who provides him quality service while dining out, and is planning also to offer signed baseballs and other memorabilia to courageous sick children in the community who demonstrate a “real and concerted effort to defeat their diseases and other maladies.”

Though not widely publicized, Rodriguez has for years been perfecting the use of incentive-based economics in the nation’s strip clubs, with an escalating scale of rewards based upon variety of actions, reality of performance, and “yummy-ness.” Only now, however, does A-Rod feel comfortable enough to offer the incentive plan to the rest of the people in his life. Allegedly, he has even offered to give his wife an additional $4 million in a proposed, later-in-life divorce, for every year that she is willing to continue to be married to him.

“I love this performance-based compensation,” A-Rod said. “It’s brilliant. Frankly, I’m surprised people don’t do this more often.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!