Terrell Owens plans minimalist TD celebration full of symbolism and anti-NFL sentiment

DALLAS, TX — Terrell Owens announced Friday that he is planning a new, “minimalist” touchdown celebration that will leave NFL officials shaken to their core.

“You know, there comes a time when you have to decide if you’re going to step up and fight the man, or just lay down and acquiesce,” Owens said before practice Friday. “Throughout human history, when people are being oppressed, there is someone who steps up and sets in motion the eventual change. There is someone who takes the responsibility on their shoulders and seeks to incite change. I’m talking about Rosa Parks. I’m talking about Susan B. Anthony. I’m talking about Terrell Owens.”

The new celebration will be filled with symbolism and implication, and is expected to put his distaste for the “Big Brother policies of the NFL” on display for all.

“When I cross that goal line on Sunday night, watch out,” Owens advised NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. “I’ve got a three-part celebration planned, and it’s going to be pretty sick.

“The first part of the celebration is that I’m going to raise both of my arms in the air,” Owens continued. “This will symbolize my lifting the weight of a million eyes off of my shoulders, and forcing the all-powerful league into a position of fear and vulnerability. Next, I am going to take the ball and fire it into the ground, to demonstrate that I’m now taking the ridiculous rules and regulations that are unjustly imposed upon the players in this league and destroying them in one exuberant moment of unparalleled, enthusiastic freedom. Finally, I’m going to run off the field toward the sidelines, to demonstrate the notion of moving forward. I will lead my team, the league, and – to be sure – the nation, into a new era of free thinking and open ideology.”

Roger Goodell could not be reached for comment, but according to SSNN sources within the league office, the commissioner was hardly perturbed by Owens’ announcement – “Sounds like he’s gonna spike the ball and run off the field. Good.”

T.O. was nonplussed, to say the least. “It’s so like that [commissioner] to think that,” the embattled Dallas wideout said. “So like him. So shortsighted. He sees things only for what they are on the surface. He knows nothing of symbolism or depth of feeling. It’s pretty sad, actually.”

In spite of Goodell’s limited interest in his planned protest, Owens is moving forward as promised.

“You don’t do these things for just one person,” Owens said. “They didn’t dump a billion tons of tea into the Boston Harbor just because they thought King George was on the board of the East India Tea Company. And I’m not doing this just to rock Goodell’s world. I’m doing this to change the way that America behaves. I’m doing this to send a message to the kids of this country that as long as you keep hope, and keep fighting, things can change.

“Get your popcorn ready.”