Roy Williams obsessed with being “first on Google”

DETROIT, MI — Members of the Detroit Lions report that WR Roy Williams has become “absolutely obsessed” with being the first Roy Williams on Google.

“Talks about it all the time,” said QB Jon Kitna. “All the time. He’s always logging on to the computer we’ve got here in the locker room, and all he does is type in ‘Roy Williams’ on Google. Sometimes with quotes, sometimes without. He even tried misspelling the name – Willliams, with three L’s. Or sometimes with only one L. And guess what? He’s never first! It’s pretty funny, actually.”

Lions players told SSNN that Williams seems to be relatively comfortable supplicating himself to Roy Williams of the Dallas Cowboys, but that the quirky wideout is livid about sharing the name with the coach of the North Carolina Tar Heels basketball team.

“He and Roy from Dallas, they’re kind of boys,” said wide receiver Calvin Johnson. “They’ve got the whole Texas-Oklahoma thing going on. So I think that Detroit Roy is sort of okay with that. But as far as the dude from North Carolina, no way. All day long, it’s ‘Can you believe that I’m ranked behind that dude who coaches the Tar Heels? Are you kidding me?’ Frankly, I sort of see his point – but I also sense a little disdain for the ACC in his comments, which irks me a little bit.”

According to Johnson, Williams is taking a multi-faceted approach to rectifying the situation with Google. Earlier this year he published a white paper entitled: “Basketball: Not Really a Sport.” Further, he is allegedly considering hiring a private investigator to dig up some dirt on the other Williamses, under the pretense that people who do things untoward will not be recognized by Google. Finally, he has written terse letters to Roy Williams, director of the Boy Scouts of America – as well as Roy Williams, the british trombone player – encouraging them to curtail any success they plan on having in the coming years.

“It’s really important to me to be on top,” Williams told SSNN. “I’m willing to do whatever it takes.”

Apparently, that includes buying his way to the top. Williams recently began a hostile takeover bid for Google, purchasing 10 shares of the multi-billion dollar company at a price greater than $4,000.

“I figure, if you can’t beat em, join em,” Williams said. “When I am their boss, they’ll have to put me number one, right?”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!