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News Item

Red Sox losing ways all part of master plan

BOSTON, MA — In a surprise development late Wednesday, following a three-game sweep at the hands of the Blue Jays, Boston Red Sox starter Curt Schilling revealed that the Red Sox are actually not playing poorly but rather implementing a grand plan.

“We are not playing bad,” Schilling told assembled reporters. “We’re playing just how we want to. But what might also be said is that we’re playing ‘possum.’ That’s right – we’re lulling the Yankees to sleep. Then, when they least expect it… BAM!!” Schilling slapped the table for emphasis, as though he was crushing a fly, and then twisted his right (pitching/swatting) hand, splaying imaginary Yankee/bug guts all over the table.

According to sources within the Red Sox, the ruse began early last week, when manager Terry Francona finished reading Sun Tzu’s The war »”>Art of War.

“The sentiment to ‘keep your friends close but your enemies closer,’ that really resonated with me,” Francona said. “That sort of rocked my world. So I told the team about it, and we hatched our secret plan. At least, it was secret until [Schilling] told the world about it. I’m frustrated that it’s out there, but at least we’ve already accomplished most of our goal – I mean, the Yankees are 1.5 games back, they’re winning every day, and they really think they can win the division! Suckers!”

General manager Theo Epstein praised his team for the collaborative effort on Operation Yankee False Confidence. Epstein pointed out that, while he himself came up with the operation name, Francona had had the original idea.

“Dice-K has been pitching like shit,” Epstein added. “Papelbon is giving up grand slams to AAAA All-Stars. And even though Manny Ramirez has been out for almost a month, he’s contributing by running around the locker room, yelling out ‘Steamroller!’, and knocking Kevin Youkilis to the floor. The bottom line is that one guy alone can’t blow a five-and-a-half game lead in a week; it’s a team effort. But we did it together, and we should be proud. Those stupid Yankee bastards, they aren’t going to know what hit em! Steamroller!”

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Labels: Art of War, Boston Red Sox, Daisuke Matsuzaka, Jonathan Papelbon, Kevin Youkilis, Manny Ramirez, MLB, New York Yankees, Sun Tzu, Terry Francona, Theo Epstein, Toronto Blue Jays

Posted on September 20th, 2007

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Other Related News Items

• Schilling might cut ankle to regain 2004 magic (October 18, 2007)
• BoSox starting rotation to work out at toxic waste dump (May 23, 2008)
• Construction workers find Schilling buried under new Yankee Stadium (April 14, 2008)
• Schilling’s contract contains unusual incentives (November 7, 2007)

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