Patriots send extra videotape to NFL, prove cheating did not help

FOXBORO, MA — When the NFL receives the series of tapes that the New England Patriots are sending them as part of the spygate scandal, there will be one extra tape in the box – game film of the Patriots thrashing the ever-loving shit out of the San Diego Chargers Sunday night.

“No longer are we as an organization going to take any chances with interpretation of the NFL’s rules,” said head coach Bill Belichick. “The tapes will clearly show that we did not employ a sideline camera cheater when we took the Chargers out behind the woodshed and performed unspeakable acts upon them.”

Indeed, the Chargers were thankful that the league had cracked down on the Patriots. “Think about how bad we might have lost if they knew what we were trying to do,” said tailback LaDainian Tomlinson. “The NFL allowed us to keep it close until midway through the second quarter.”

The package sent by the Pats to the league included an explanation that the Patriots had actually been hurt by the cheating in Week One, and that they should be allowed to use the videotaping whenever they want. The explanation was provided in the form of a mathematical proof, authored by quarterback and University of Michigan graduate Tom Brady.

“You will note,” Brady’s proof explained, “that we (the Patriots) won both football games by the identical score of 38-14. However, in the first game, we used the assistance of illegal video to defeat the Jets. In the second game we used no such aid to defeat the Chargers. By all reasonable standards and measures, the Chargers are a vastly superior team to the Jets; they have better players at nearly every position, had a better record last year, have a better record this year, don’t have freaking Thomas Jones as their starting running back, etc. Therefore, by use of the transitive property, we should have beat the Jets by a much larger margin than that by which we beat the Chargers. Hence, it can only be concluded that the use of videotape actually negatively affected the Patriots two weeks ago, and that, in the interest of parity in the NFL, our rights to illegally use videotape be immediately restored. Q.E.D.”

Brady acknowledged that the idea for the proof came from new wide receiver Randy Moss, who stated that he is a very “mathematical-orientated learner.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!