NFL rejects Bears’ petition requesting bionic legs for Brown

CHICAGO, IL — The NFL announced Tuesday that they have rejected a petition by the Chicago Bears to allow safety Mike Brown to play football with bionic legs. Though Commissioner Roger Goddell admitted that the idea would have been cool in a Six Million Dollar Man/Lee Majors kind of way, he said it is not a direction he wants to take the league in.

Bears head coach Lovie Smith was less than pleased with the decision.

“It’s absolutely unfair,” he said. “I think if Mike has proven anything over the past four years, it’s that he has the legs of an 80-year-old man. We have the technology – we can rebuild him.”

This is just the latest in a long line of desperate moves by the Bears in hopes of rescuing a season that is quickly being lost to a rash of injuries. Previously, the team had asked the NFL for a similar allowance for defensive lineman Tommie Harris, but it was also denied. The Bears also hoped linebacker Lance Briggs would be allowed to play with his Lamborghini – but again, their creativity was denied.

Goddell said that while he does sympathize with the Bears, he would appreciate it if they would stop with the “ridiculous requests.”

“Come on – imagine if really let them do this,” he said. “I’d have to let Brett Favre do it too, and that guy would never retire.”

Despite the setback, Smith promised not to let the decision bring him down, and says that he will continue to do everything he can to make the Bears better. The coach told SSNN he is currently negotiating with the Wizard of Oz.

“It’s a pretty basic deal,” Smith explained. “We give up some draft picks and money, we get back a brain for Rex and a heart for Benson. I might even be able to get some courage in the deal – you know, so I can make bold decisions.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!