Local man makes $13,000 reading deadspin

SEACAUCUS, NJ — Assistant director of accounts payable Michael Nevins is facing severe sanctions on his usage of computers Tuesday, after Nortech Systems officials realized he believes reading Deadspin is a part of his job description.

The incident began Monday morning, when Nevins was tasked with training John Mitchell, 24, for the same position, as part of Nortech’s recent staff expansion. Nevins explained that the main responsibilities of the job are basically to “send out a bunch of paychecks,” “receive a bunch of mail,” and “make sure you’re up on the latest hilarious stuff that’s going on in the zany world of sports.”

“Look,” Nevins said, “in accounts payable, we’re about people. People are what make this company, and this country, tick. And what do people care about? They care about sports. QED.”

Mitchell, in an act of first-day corporate loyalty, immediately informed Nortech officials of Nevins’ transgression. Nortech’s IT professionals were quickly able to calculate that Nevins “earned” $13,000 of his $28,500-a-year salary in 2006 reading the popular website, and is on track to surpass his record in 2007.

“This guy is sick for Deadspin,” said an unnamed member of the IT staff. “He spent something like 1100 hours reading that site last year. And that doesn’t even include clicking the links and reading the other stories. It was so easy to figure out. He really thinks that this is part of what he’s supposed to be doing at work. I mean, the guy simply did not care that we were able to track his usage. Clear your cookies, man!”

Nevins has taken his responsibilities very seriously, including the creation of a complicated Microsoft Access database to track popularity of certain types of stories among his peers. “For example, I know that Nora in accounting loves horses, so she was first on the special ‘Deadspin v. Barbaro‘ mailing list that I created,” Nevins said. “I know my colleagues.”

Nevins use of his computer is now being supervised much more heavily, and he’s required to fill out a detailed time card that accounts for every minute of his day. For his part, though, Nevins was unfazed by the new attention. “I’m glad that the company realizes that I’ve taken a pro-active approach to my job,” Nevins said. “Most people sit around and wait for something to happen at work. They wait to meet people, and have someone come over to talk to them, all of that. Not me. I go out and find out what people are interested in. I care about the company, and the future of this company, and if witty, pithy commentary about the sporting world is the path to that future, then sign me up.”