Hamels performs own Tommy John surgery, recovers immediately

PHILADELPHIA, PA — Defying the terms of his contract, medical safety measures, existing paradigms governing human flexibility and all modern views on reasonable behavior, “King” Cole Hamels performed Tommy John surgery on himself early this morning.

Hamels, who is regarded by himself and fans alike to be something of an unparalleled superhero – champion of the night sky and emblazoned ambassador of hope in modern mankind – performed the surgery successfully at 8 AM Eastern Time on Tuesday, finishing the endeavor in just under two hours, less than half the time it generally takes.

“I did the surgery, yeah,” Hamels said. “Generally they say it takes a year or so to recover, and like 18 months to get to where you were before. I decided to recover in 15 minutes, and then rehab for another half hour. It was hard, but I did it, and I’m ready to go.”

Hamels will start tonight in St. Louis as the Phillies chase the postseason.

“I’ve honestly never seen anything like it,” said Dr. James Andrews, who has performed hundreds, if not thousands, of Tommy John surgeries. “This was without a doubt the most outstanding Tommy John surgery I’ve ever seen. Let me tell you how good it was – before he sewed back up his left arm, he scorched a lightning bolt into his ulna bone. Yeah.”

Tommy John surgery requires taking the tendons from the non-pitching arm and using them to replace the tendons from the pitching arm, and usually takes over a year off of a pitcher’s career. However, for Hamels, the surgery was relatively routine – he simply used his remarkable regeneration abilities to allow his tendons to immediately repair themselves and was able to complete the procedure using his now-surgically repaired arm. “I did something kind of fun, too,” Hamels added. “I went and dug up a little tiny piece of Cy Young’s tendon, and I put that in there … just for good luck.”

Hamels was coy as to whether the performance of the surgery would have any long-term effect on his life. “Not sure what you want me to say,” Hamels told reporters afterward. “Do I have a career in medicine after I’m done playing? Yeah, we already sort of knew that. I’m probably the best doctor in eastern Pennsylvania.”

Phillies manager Charlie Manuel agrees that Hamels could have a career in medicine.

“Doctor Hamels. Doctor Cole Hamels,” he said. “I like the way that sounds. And look, this kid can do whatever he wants to. The only question is if he’ll want to spend the three weeks it’ll take him to get through medical school.”