Fantasy chances destroyed by being Mike Pelfrey’s in-law

TOPEKA, KS — John Mitchum’s chances for a third straight title in his work fantasy league disintegrated before his very eyes Monday, when he started new cousin-in-law Mike Pelfrey as one of his four starters during his week-long championship “game” against bitter rival Kevin Villum.

“My chances of winning this league didn’t die on Monday,” Mitchum said. “They died on July 14, 2007, when I married Kristin.”

Kristin Mitchum (nee Pelfrey), 24, is a second-cousin of the 23-year-old Mets pitcher, and their family maintains a close relationship. Pelfrey was invited to the Mitchums’ wedding. “He couldn’t come,” Kristin said. “He was in New Orleans on business. But he did totally clean out our Crate & Barrel registry! He’s such a great cousin.”

As a result of Pelfrey’s vaunted status in his wife’s eyes, John Mitchum was encouraged to pick up the struggling right-hander and play him on his fantasy team. In spite of Pelfrey’s rough season, which has featured a 5.57 ERA, a 1.71 WHIP, and a 3-8 record, Mitchum was able to make his league’s three-week postseason. That’s when the trouble began.

“I won my first two weeks to make the championship,” Mitchum stated. “But then on Sunday, right before I was setting my lineup, my wife and I were sort of arguing, and she was complaining that I spent too much time on fantasy. She didn’t seem to understand that it was the championship game. Anyway, to appease her, I told her I’d start Pelfrey for my team in the finals. Big mistake.”

With both Mitchums watching anxiously and rooting aggressively, Pelfrey put up a 5.2 inning loss in which he allowed 10 baserunners and six earned runs Monday night, with only three strikeouts. “He basically killed my week,” Mitchum said. “I start out the week behind the eight ball in WHIP, ERA, and strikeouts. And the best part of the whole thing is, I have another Pelfrey start coming up this weekend.”

Kristin Mitchum believes that Pelfrey will rebound nicely in his next outing. “Mike’s a fighter, and he’s such a good pitcher. Monday night must have been an anomaly. There’s no way that he’ll do bad again this weekend. John is lucky to have Mike pitching for his team.”

John Mitchum is not so sure.

“You know, I’ve been playing fantasy baseball for 15 years,” he said. “I’ve won… a lot. And I’ve been able to do it because I keep my emotions in check. Then all of a sudden I get married, and I’ve got no control. I’ve got freaking Mike Pelfrey on my team, in a championship game! That’s absurd! The only thing that would be more crazy is if a real baseball team had him pitching for them in a real playoff race.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!