Derek Lowe thinks he can ‘help’ Lohan, Spears

LOS ANGELES, CA — As the out of control train-wrecks of Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan’s careers continue careening toward disaster, one Los Angeles citizen is stepping up to offer some help – Dodgers pitcher Derek Lowe.

“I really feel like, given some time, I can do a lot to help those girls,” Lowe said. “I think we could meet up and spend the evening together and I can work them through some things, really open them up.”

Lowe, recently divorced after committing consistent adultery, believes that the hardened life lessons he’s learned will make him a great help to the women. “I have learned some things in my day,” Lowe said, “and I’d like to show them what I’ve learned. Especially Lindsay, since Brit looked sort of fat on MTV.”

When asked why his patient’s weight had anything to do with his desire to help them, Lowe responded that it is “harder to get up to work with a fatty.” He did not, however, rule out a group counseling session.

“My method is not complex,” Lowe said. “I like to start off by having them help themselves as much as possible. Then I encourage them to help each other, while I watch. Finally, at the end, I will participate and provide some assistance; but that is usually very draining, particularly in a group session such as the one we’re describing.”

Lowe assured media members that his phone will always be ready, in case one of the two troubled troubadour thespians are in need of assistance in the middle of the night.

“Look, all I know is that these gals need help,” Lowe said. “They are hurting and they need help, and I think I can provide that.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!