Bradley completes NY Times Saturday crossword in nine minutes

SAN DIEGO, CA — Stunning manager Bud Black and first baseman Adrian Gonzalez, Padres’ outfielder Milton Bradley completed the dreaded Saturday New York Times crossword puzzle in a mere nine minutes during the pre-game warmups for Sunday’s 5-0 loss to the Dodgers.

“Pretty fucking incredible,” Black said. “Nine minutes. The Saturday New York Times puzzle. There were like 12 black squares on the whole damn thing. I didn’t even know that Milton knew who Homer was.”

Gonzalez was less accepting of his teammate’s accomplishment. “Nine minutes? He expects me to believe he knocked it out in nine minutes? No freaking way,” he said. “There has got to be something else going on here.”

“Nine minutes is pretty exceptional,” said New York Times crossword editor Will Shortz. “Particularly for someone with anger management issues, no collegiate education, and a bad habit of using the word ‘ain’t.’ You don’t see a lot of people who use ‘ain’t’ knocking down my Saturday puzzle in nine minutes.”

Bradley was unfazed by the criticism. “People been criticizing me all my life,” Bradley said. “Every place I go, people be criticizing. Well, for nine minutes, nobody can criticize me on Saturdays.”

To put the angst-ridden Padre’s accomplishment in perspective, Black was able to complete the puzzle in 27 minutes, which was second fastest in the clubhouse. Gonzalez completed the puzzle in 42 minutes, but he had to look up the name of a Verdi opera (RIGOLETTO) and a “directional hip hop star” (KANYEWEST).

Bradley did not make it through the entire crossword controversy totally intact, however. He sustained severe cramping in his right (writing) hand, and will be unable to complete crosswords for at least 10 days.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!