Aspiring sabermetrician successfully calculates Getting Laid Chances Against Replacement Human

CONCORD, N.H. — 23-year-old amateur SABRmetrician Donald Voorhies was thrilled Thursday evening when he finally cracked an equation on which he’d been toiling for months – the Getting-Laid-Chances-Against-Replacement-Human index. Unfortunately, his joy was short-lived.

“Apparently, if you took any random person out there, and replaced me with them, that person, over time, would have a better chance of getting laid than I do,” Voorhies said. “I know, I absolutely couldn’t believe it either. I thought it must have been some sort of mistake; but no, I checked my math and it’s good.”

Voorhies’ formula takes into account all manner of factors, from communication ability to physical appearance to overall dumb luck. There are also a couple of unique factors at play, such as the ability to perform when confronted with a drunk or otherwise slutty target.

“That’s what killed me,” Voorhies said. “I am notorious for my poor performance in the clutch. If I was even average in the clutch, my GLCARH number would be a lot better. There’s just something about the drunken ladies that totally screws me - obviously I mean figuratively, not literally.”

Voorhies says that, given his advanced understanding of the factors at play, he is going to work on some problem areas of his game. However, he cautioned SABRmetricians and mortals alike to take the new findings with a grain of salt.

“Look, this is a statistic,” Voorhies said. “An index. It’s not like I never get laid. But yeah, if I am talking to a girl, and we are in public – like at a bar or something – there’s a decent chance that if a stranger walks by, she’s probably going to sleep with him. After all, the numbers don’t lie.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!